Just a thought…

My name is Mackenzie, people call me Kenz. I have always been somewhat of a happy kid, going about my business, not really caring what people thought of me. I was big into sports, family and friends. I had a pretty normal childhood, being raised in a very loving home. I am recovering from anorexia- it has been a long road, and I still have tough days, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to give up. The question that is almost always asked to me, is how did it start? My eating disorder started in an unusual way, in disguise I guess you could say. It was the summer before my senior year of high school. It was about August when I came down with a horrible sickness. Mono, now most people who get mono spend a few weeks on the couch, and get better. Me on the other hand, had a different experience. Mono, made every single thing absolutely horrible to eat or drink. even water was a struggle to choke down- nothing tasted good. Nothing. I had to give up my sports, including diving and rock climbing, because the mono caused my spleen to be enlarged and the doctors thought it might rupture. I literally laid on the couch for months feeling sick, and not eating a whole lot. By the time I finally got over the mono, I was having other issues. I stopped being able to process food. The doctors were not sure why, nobody really did know. My intake was getting cut back more and more by the week, without me even realizing it. I was becoming obsessed with food, without eating it. I would spend hours upon hours online looking at recipes, and pictures of food that I wish I could eat, but I couldn’t due to my stomach problems. A few months had gone by, and my weight kept dropping and dropping. We figured out that my gallbladder hadn’t been working for a while and that is why I could no longer process food. I had begun to like the way that I was starting to look. By the time i had surgery to get my gallbladder removed it wasn’t working at all. When the gallbladder was out, I should of been able to start eating normally again- right? No, not at all. After surgery I went on living my life, or not at all. I could not concentrate, have relationships, or care what I was doing at all. I was cold all of the time, I could not sit in class due to the giant bruises I had on my tail bone and my hips, and I could not sleep at night due to the guilt that I felt for the food that I did eat that day. They say you are what you eat, and I did I became just that- nothing. I honestly didn’t think anything of it. I was seeing less and less of my friends, and didn’t really care. Senior spring break is something everyone looks forward to, I was a bit excited, but not as much as I should of been. My best friend, my mom and I were going on a cruise. We went shopping before hand, and nothing fit me. Anything I thought was cute, it didn’t matter it wouldn’t fit. I was starting to realize that I was having eating issues and I was looking to thin. It had been brought to my moms attention, and we decided the best way to gain some weight back was with protein. I accepted the fact that I couldn’t be this thin, and needed to gain. I wanted to gain, but in a healthy way. Ana says there is no ” healthy” way. On the cruise was a real turn around for me. I couldn’t walk around the boat, I didn’t have enough energy, I couldn’t snorkel, the water was to cold, and eating on the boat brought about so much anxiety I would cry every night. I tried every day we were on that boat to tell my mom that I needed help, but I just couldn’t do it. When we did get back from our trip within two days, I broke down and admitted I needed help. I will never forget the day, I came home early from school, and my fragile body was wrapped in her arms as she held me and I just cried. Within two days of that I was in an inpatient program at U of M. I spent two weeks there, where I had no choice but to eat, wether I liked it or not. My mom came and ate with me and visited me every day. After being released I was put into an outpatient program, where I spent the majority of my day for several months. Gaining the weight back, was nothing but hard, but seeing the benefits really help you realize why recovery is worth it. I never did return to school even though I did graduate. An eating disorder is the worst thing that I personally have ever come across. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The voices can be very loud sometimes, a lot of the time, but I try to ignore them. I have had many ups and downs from that point, and right now I am just trying to gain my life back. I am seeing a therapist and a nutritionist at the moment, to stay on top of things so that I don’t slip again. I have given up everything that I love for ana, but am trying really hard to get them back. My friends and family have been absolutely amazing and I could not of done any of it without their amazing support. I thought this blog would be a great way to stay motivated on the recovery road, and keep moving towards happiness. Thank you for checking out my story, you are always welcome and encouraged to ask questions, and leave responses. Thanks again. Signing off for the evening 

-Kenz

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