Making recovery a top priority…

There is a fine line that is the determining factor in my life that either a situation will make me feel bad or good. Usually most of the time I feel bad or guilty, its the way ed wants me to feel. This is the way I feel most of the time, especially when I ponder upon the idea of what I am missing out on. I truly feel like many days I am missing out on life. After I had left the outpatient program, I only had a few short months before I moved away for school. Unfortunately it was not nearly enough time. School was two hours away, and I feel like I set myself up for failure. Moving into the dorms was too much for me in the position that I was in. All the girls exercising immensely, and all worried about gaining freshman 15. Freshman 15- Its not a real thing, but why would I believe that, it is something I worried about on a daily basis. Going away, trying to eat was to difficult and it didn’t last that long. I was only away for two weeks, then I had to return home. The final week that I was at school I did not eat at all. Ed had returned completely to my life. Going home was one of the most devastating thing I’ve ever had to do. It was so disheartening. I just wanted to be a freshman away at school, and now I had to pack up my stuff and move back home. How pathetic?- I thought. It has taken me a very long to realize that the move was really our best option. Ed can be so strong and he is so detrimental my health that there is no question about whether recovery is my top priority. Do I wish that I hadn’t missed out on the freshman college experience? Yes. Do I wish I worked harder to eat and stay there? Absolutely. But I didn’t- and it was just a matter of time. I felt guilty for having to go back home, but if I stayed I would just be taking three steps backwards. Those three steps would be giving ed the control, and giving up on my worth and health. No matter the lengths you have to go, or the time that it will take you- It is always important not to just forget about recovery…



2 thoughts on “Making recovery a top priority…

  1. this is so important.. i put recovery second this past year in order to complete my last year at college.. I shouldn’t have because I could be fully recovered now but it wasn’t a priority.. 😦

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